Super Lizard Returns Read online

  “Err…” the woman paused, “I…err…paid for em!”

  “Sorry?” Jones replied but the women had turned and scarpered away.

  Jones was about to give chase when Tanooki placed a hand in front of him, “leave it to me!” He turned quickly, grabbed a camera from one of the mob and launched it towards the woman charging away with what they thought may be stolen goods. In true super hero fashion it arched across the sky, seeming to move in slow motion as everyone watched it hurtle towards it target. Then gasps of shock appeared as a strong wind blew down the street and knocked it off course, well that was the way Tanooki told it, everyone else saw it as a pretty rubbish throw. In true comedy superhero style, the camera smashed into the head of a very tall man with muscles like balloons that had so much air in them they were about to burst, as well as tattoos that said things like ‘The Devil’s Army’, ‘Never Back Down’ and ‘I Love Me Mum I Does’. He was bald, he had a goatee beard and he had five earrings hanging from each ear. This was a man you did not want to mess with.

  As soon as the camera struck he looked up. Dropping his Disney Store and Lesley’s World of Beads bags, he let out an almighty groan and charged towards where the camera had been thrown from. He pushed violently through the crowed and stared with menace at Tanooki who, strategically, pointed at Super Lizard and mouthed ‘it was him.’ But a ten foot lizard did not worry the man, he took one step and raised his fist.

  A large cough came from his right, his head turned to see Jones. “Oh, hello Officer,” he said lowering his fist, “I was just….gonna….enquire….about….that…err….camera that hit me.”

  “Yes, I saw it. I spose I better take your details.” Jones pulled a pen and small black notepad from his top pocket.

  “Wait a second,” a Japanese man, clearly on holiday shouted, “that was my camera.”

  “Right,” Jones said with a sigh, “I’ll take your details too.”

  ~

  Jones had hoped that whilst taking their details the mob, and more preferably Super Lizard and Tanooki, would have left. Despite a few, “you can leave when you want,” to the crowed, nearly all had stayed.

  The notes were finished, the muscle man had left and the Japanese tourist had re-joined the crowd. “Right guys,” Jones had returned to his stance in front of the two, for want of a better word, heroes. “Seeing as this crowd does not wish to depart I will make this statement in public. You two,“ he pointed with his still drawn pen, “have been warned, you were to keep out of sight and to wait for animal welfare. That does not mean appearing here.”

  “We are here to help,” responded Tanooki in his best crime fighting voice.

  “And how do you think you will be of any help?”

  “We will aid you to look for clues and then vanquish the evil fiend behind this.”

  “You will go and leave the policing to the professionals.”

  Tanooki was about to reply when he heard large footsteps moving away. As he looked over his shoulder Super Lizard was walking off. “Super Lizard,” he cried, “what are you doing?”

  Super Lizard turned, “he said we had to leave Tony.”

  Tanooki’s eyes widened, “we are superheroes, we do not just leave, we fight crime, uncover injustice, vanquish foes and….” There was a large pause while Tanooki just shrugged his shoulders and waved his hands, showing the audience that he needed help.

  “Restore peace,” a voice from the crowed bellowed.

  “Restore peace,” Tanooki stated as if it was his own idea.

  “Oh, sorry,” with this Super Lizard returned.

  When he got back to his sidekick the racoon man said in an unhappy whisper, “and don’t use my real name or they will know my true identity.”

  “Oh, sorry Tony….I mean Tanooki,” Super Lizard looked worried but Tanooki knew what to do in this situation.

  “Ha ha ha ha ha,” he said in loud mock laughter, “what brilliant work by my Superhero buddy, using a fake name to throw you off the scent, he would never say my real name, no I am not Tony that is just a name to make you think I am really someone else.” Throughout the speech he waved his hands about as if trying to deceive the crowd.

  Jones quickly whispered in his ear, “I think you overdid it there, also your face isn’t covered.”

  Tanooki gave a quick smile, looked left and right and spun back toward the police officer.

  “Right, can we have an end to this situation?” Jones was back in official police mode, “either you two leave now or I will charge you both with wasting police time.”

  “Sorry,” replied Super Lizard.

  “No,” stated Tanooki, “we are defenders of the law and shall aid where we can.”

  “Wait a second,” Super Lizard looked confused, “are we staying or going?”

  As one Tanooki shouted, “staying” and Jones shouted, “going.”

  “Right, I am just confused so I think I’ll head off. Been a fun day though. Shame we couldn’t help.” And with that Super Lizard started off with head held low.

  A large “awwwwwwww” came from the crowd; followed by shouts of, “he is only trying to help,” “well you couldn’t solve the crime,” “look at his face.”

  Super Lizard spun round flapping his hands in front of his eyes, “what’s up with my face, there’s something on my face.” Lasers shot from his eyes, creating a ring of chard cobbles on the high street floor. Instinctively the crowd stepped back and for once no-one was hurt by the laser beams.

  “Calm down, calm down,” Tanooki said, “it’s a figure of speech, they mean you look sad.”

  Super Lizard stopped, feeling a little dizzy he pointed to the cobbles, “oh, sorry, I erm….I’ll clean that up later.”

  “RIGHT,” Jones had had enough, this needed to end. He addressed the whole mob, “I don’t care if he is sad, I don’t care if he can solve crimes, I don’t care if he is ten foot tall and I most certainly don’t care if you like him, these two are not coming into that shop, do you hear?”

  Super Lizard answered meekly, “yes sir, sorry sir.”

  But this was drowned out by the booing of the mob. They liked an underdog and a ten foot mutated lizard underdog was so much more appealing than a normal one. The shouts and jeers continued, “let them in, they are only doing good,” “if you don’t let them in I am going to complain,” “what harm could it do?”

  What harm indeed thought Jones, but then it turned nasty. From nowhere a shout of, “if you don’t let them in you will have to go through us,” echoed around the streets. This was taken up by a chorus of cheers and then the chants took place, “Super Lizard and Tanooki, Super Lizard and Tanooki, Super Lizard and Tanooki…” and so on and so forth.

  Jones did not know where the chant had come from until he saw Tanooki amongst the crowd, leading them like they were an orchestra. “I’m going to regret this,” he muttered under his breath.

  ~

  Langley looked up as the small bell above the shop door rang, “what was all that racket?” he asked as Jones entered. But his face quickly dropped when Tanooki edged in behind him. He was about to shout, scream at Jones for letting this idiot in a racoon suit in when he was distracted by a large crash. In came Super Lizard, wearing a rather fetching door frame. As they stared at him in disbelief, the glass door dropped from its hinges and crashed onto the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

  Without flinching Langley grabbed his radio from his pocket and with a sigh stated, “this is Chief Inspector Langley, there has been an accident at number 15 Spurriergate, York, Harmon & Sons’ Jewellers. Request for a doorway to be patched up.”

  The radio buzzed then a female voice replied, “copy, message received, PC Runswick will be dispatched, should be with you in a few minutes.”

  “Thank you Mary.” Langley placed the radio back on his belt and looked towards the superheroes. His face looked like he had been on holiday to Spain and fallen asleep on a deckchair. It was all he could do to withhold his rage. When he wa
s ready to speak a flash caught his eye. He looked towards the door, well where the door had been and the whole of his anger was unleashed on the mob that now huddled around the broken door frame, “what the hell are you doing?” They were taken back but did not move, this was the most excitement they had had in a long time, “if you don’t step back I’ll nick the lot of you!”

  The crowed edge back a few paces as one, but leaned forward so as to be pretty much the same distance from the action as they had before. Langley darted forward to the door, “MOVE,” he shouted, “GET OUT OF HERE.” But the mob just lingered like a bad smell. “Right that’s it, you’re all spending a night in the cells.” He grabbed the first person he saw, an old man not quick enough to dodge, pressed him up against the shop window and handcuffed him. As he looked behind him he saw true humanity, in a state of solidarity and respect for the old the whole mob had disappeared. He saw them charging in different directions, knocking shoppers left and right. Job done, he undid the handcuffs and turned the old man around, “let this be a warning to you, now go!”

  “Th…th…thank you,” is all the old man could provide before he ran off himself, rather spritely for someone of his age.

  Feeling rather smug, Langley went back inside. This time he ignored Super Lizard and Tanooki and turned his attention to Jones. In a voice that spoke of disappointment he said, “I thought I told you not to let them in.”

  “Sorry sir,” Jones replied, “it was just the crowd were getting a bit violent.”

  “Just nick one then, that sends the message.”

  “Yes sir, it’s just I was a little concerned about the ten foot lizard firing lasers from his eyes.”

  “Well, I suppose I’ll let you off this one. Right you guys,” he said turned to the uninvited guests, “we told you to stay at home. Seems you want to get in a bit of trouble.”

  “Trouble is what we look for and vanquish,” stated Tanooki.

  “I don’t want any trouble,” added Super Lizard.

  “The trouble I am talking about,” said Langley, “is a criminal record and time in prison.”

  “Prison holds no fear for us, we are used to finding and stopping criminals,” stated Tanooki.

  “I don’t want to go to prison,” added Super Lizard.

  “When have you ever stopped a criminal?” said Langley.

  “We stop criminals every day,” stated Tanooki.

  “I don’t remember stopping a criminal,” added Super Lizard.

  “Ok, ok,” Langley was getting annoyed, “can we stop this cycle of stupidity? Anyhow, how did you know we were here?”

  “Despite your little friend dropping us at a swimming pool and telling us the diamond had gone down the plug hole…”

  Super Lizard interrupted, “…we got very wet, and we found out that swimming pools don’t have plug holes…”

  “…yes, yes, as I was saying, after being dropped at the swimming pool…”

  “…it’s not very nice to lie…”

  “…ok, so after being dropped at the swimming pool and lied to we decided to head home where upon we used our extensive crime tracking device to see what criminal activity was happening in the neighbourhood and…”

  “...your extensive crime tracking device?” Langley sounded suspicious.

  “Well,” Tanooki replied, “we turned on BBC News.”

  “Oh, flipping news report, forgot about that. Anyhow,” Langley was about to continue, to tell them that they would have to leave when he saw flashing lights through the door, followed closely by PC Rusnwick. “Ah, Rusnwick, these two buffoons have destroyed the door, could you patch it up?”

  “Certainly sir,” replied Runswick giving the superheroes a telling off with his look.

  As he taped a sheet of black plastic similar to a bin liner over the door, Langley continued to talk to Super Lizard and Tanooki. “Right, we are in the middle of a serious investigation, you are now wasting police time so I suggest you leave before you get a formal warning.”

  “But how can we leave?” Tanooki responded, “he’s taping up the door?”

  “Oh my word,” Langley’s head was in his hands, “you managed to turn a TV over to BBC News but you can’t work out that a building has more than one entrance? Jones will you escort them out the back way? Oh and Super Lizard, walk through the doors sideways, buildings in York are rather old and have small doorways, we wouldn’t want that fat tail of…”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Tanooki jumped inbetween Super Lizard and Langley, “it’s not fat, its big boned.”

  “From where I’m standing…”

  “Just say its big boned and we will leave.”

  “Oh for pity’s sake, ok, it’s big boned.”

  As Jones went to lead them off, Super Lizard noticed that PC Runshaw had finished taping up the door and covering it with the plastic sheeting. The day had been far too negative, too many people shouting and being horrible to one another. If they were to leave, why not leave on a nice note. So he turned, admired the work and patted Runshaw on the back, saying, “well done, great work.”

  Now if you know Super Lizard, you know he has super strength, after just a few days of being super however, Super Lizard often forgot about this. A hearty pat on the back from me or you would be, with Super Lizard’s strength, like being hit by a ten ton truck. Far from ending the day on a nice note, Super Lizard watched in shock as PC Runswick was catapulted through the glass window next to the door, leaving a humours policeman shaped hole and the sound of tinkling glass outside.

  As Langley’s face filled again with rage all that Super Lizard could manage was, “err….sorry….I was only trying….you know….to be nice.”

  Langley breathed in deeply, the concern over his officer the only thing controlling his temper. “Runswich,” he shouted through the window, never taking his eyes off of Super Lizard, “are you ok?”

  “I’m fine sir,” came the reply, “just one problem?”

  “What’s that?”

  “I don’t have enough sheeting to cover that hole in the window.”

  And with that line Langley broke, his voice boomed as he stepped towards the ten foot lizard, his finger pointed and prodded with every word, “you absolute idiot, you stupid, mutated, fat tailed freak, how dare you come in here and endanger our investigation and waste valuable time.”

  Super Lizard stepped back with every finger point, until he heard a bang, a smash then the sound of small rings rolling across the floor. Every bone in his body was scared and he felt so bad. He would have to sort this out, so without thinking he decided to turn around and clean up the mess. As he spun and bent down to pick up the display case his tail lashed about behind him. Tanooki saw it coming and ducked, Jones was hit square in the face and at last it swung round to Langley. Taking the full force in his waste, he too was flung through the window, but this time the whole of it shattered. At this noise Super Lizard turned back round, noticing that his tail had become traped in the rope that had been used to stop people getting too close to the stolen diamond. The rest happened in slow motion, one of the metal poles between the roping flew up towards the display case. Super Lizard instinctively dived to stop it calling out an obligatory, “noooooooooooooooooooo”. But he was too slow, the display case shattered and alarms rung about them. Super Lizard landed with a loud crash, then, despite the sound of the alarm, everyone heard an enormous creek before the floor under Super Lizard gave way and he plummeted down.

  ~

  Super Lizard and Tanooki sat across the desk from Langley. Super Lizard tried to avoid any eye contact with the Chief Inspector but could not help staring at the cast on his arm; it had broken in two places. In contrast Tanooki looked rather smug.

  “Whilst we thank you for your help in solving the case,” as Langley started his speech he was interrupted.

  “..we did help didn’t we?” Tanooki was proud, after Super Lizard had fallen through the floor it had become clear that someone had tunnelled under the shop. They had mad
e a hole under the display case and used some sort of stick with a grabbing device on the end to get the diamond without setting off the alarm. The police had followed the tunnel and found a hide out, they now had enough evidence to make an arrest.

  Langley sighed, “anyhow, whilst we thank you we feel your methods were…a little unusual. We feel it best that you stay away from crime scenes in the future. However we would like to present you with this.”

  Langley passed an A4 piece of paper across to the superheroes. Despite being the sidekick, Tanooki instinctively picked it up, Super Lizard tended to be quiet in these situations. Rather than the certificate he expected, he saw a list with numbers at the side of each item. “What’s this?” he asked.

  “The bill,” replied Langley.

  “The bill for what?” asked Tanooki.

  “The destruction.”

  “But we solved the case!”

  “That does not mean you can take the law into your own hands.”

  Tanooki went silent, Langley had won this argument so he looked at the list and mumbled to himself, “pavement…door frame…window…” then he raised his voice, “but these were all him.”

  He point to Super Lizard next to him who simply said, “sorry.”

  “Well if you are a crime fighting duo you need to share the burden.”

  Langley was doing what he did best, keeping people quiet and holding all the power in the room. Super Lizard, however, was far too honest to allow his sidekick to take the blame, “it’s ok, it was my fault, I’ll pay for it all.”

  “Wait a second,” Tanooki was still looking at the list, “what were the stiches for?”

  “That man you lobbed the camera at,” replied Langley.

  “But he wasn’t bleeding.”

  “You chucked a camera as his head,” Langley’s rage was starting to grow, “you’re lucky I don’t arrest you for assault!”

  Langley had done it again, Tanooki said in surprise, “a Nikon Coolpix L28?” Langley stared intently at him, “that’s the camera I threw isn’t it?” he said in submission. Langley just nodded.

  The room went silent. Tanooki was in a pleading mood, “but how will we pay for it?”

  “You’ll have to get a job won’t you?” Langley replied.

  “Don’t they have insurance?”

  “Do you?”